What I’m learning from crispy leaves.

Why does death bother me so?

Yesterday, I spent the better half of the day racking my brains on how not to bury my fledgling ideas, how not to kill a burgeoning ministry, and how not to wither the young people who somehow find it in their best interest to follow me. And then I walked into my garden...

My poor “Sweet 100” tomatoes are suffering
in the 100+ degree heat index!

Crispy Sun-burnt leaves! I instantly blamed my lack of a green thumb. And then there it was: my performance anxiety. Already, I was thinking of ways to fix it ALL.

This entire week, I’ve been worried about death, or more accurately, worried about being the cause of death. And though I am no archangel of the apocalypse, I feel somehow that my lack of insight and ability would result in incontrovertible failure. Oh, how I never learn!

But this Friday morning, I was able to get a glimpse of God at work. I met up with an old ACF alumni who’s working hard in the auto-industry. Just 4 years ago, he would probably describe his trajectory as self-oriented success and now he’s asking questions like “How can I be a beacon of light at my work? How can God use me to impact my work community? I know I’m called, so how can my calling play out?”

Here I was, at breakfast today, face to face with “new life” whilst moping my entire week about death—this was my Kairos moment. (My long time friend reminded me yesterday that there are moments in life that are called “Kairos” – unique moments in time where something special is being highlighted. Or we Christians believe that these are times where God’s purposes are breaking in.)

My Kairos moment was to see that green things are sprouting up without my understanding nor knowledge. Life’s happening despite death! Looking again at my sad tomato plant, I see that it’s sealing off these extra branches so that it can still fulfill it’s purposes and yield tomatoes.

And though, a drink from my water pail would probably benefit Miss Sweet 100, it seems that it will still go on trying to be what it’s supposed to be regardless of the help that I may or may not give. My life’s perspective needs to tune itself to this cycle so that I may find solace and peace. For death will happen, but so will life.